Hello all, Colbert here. I’ve mentioned before how difficult it is to be a Colbert, so I thought I’d show you a typical day to give you a sense of how truly terrible my life is. Feel free to send sympathetic thoughts...and bacon.
Sometime in the Morning (I’m a dog, I can’t tell time):
All I want to do is stay curled up on my nice warm bed, but these slave drivers force me to go outside in the cold. At least they reward me for my troubles with a biscuit. It’s a little sub-standard, but I take what I can get.
After all that, they don’t even stay to play with me or anything. They leave me to go to “the gym,” whatever that means. I don’t know why they needed to wake me up only to leave me again. That’s just rude.
Just as I start to get comfortable and fall back asleep, they come back to disturb me! At least this time Mommy gives me my breakfast, which is lacking in flavor and variety. My distinguished palate is far superior than theirs and for some unknown reason, they think this rubbish that they feed me is adequate.
While Mommy and Daddy are Gone:
Sometimes Daddy forgets to shut the bedroom door before he leaves for work. Those are the best days because then I can sleep on the people bed. Normally they don’t allow me on the bed, but I like to go up there when they’re not paying attention. Usually, I spend a lot of my time herding those annoying cats as they run around like crazy. I feel it is my responsibility to referee their activities, since it can get a little out of hand. You would think that Mommy and Daddy would reward me for this good behavior, but noooo.
Finally, after what may or may not be days later, my Mommy and Daddy return home to release me from this prison. They do grant me a little pleasure by taking me for a brief walk; however, even this is minimal and short lived. They hold me back on a leash, preventing me from running free. I am a prime athletic specimen, yet they refuse to let me perform to my full potential. I am a herding dog, after all.
After returning home from our walk, they feed me more of that terrible food for dinner as they selfishly prepare a delicious-smelling meal for themselves. If I’m lucky, they’ll accidentally drop some food on the floor, which I deftly swoop up before they realize their mistake. The key is to position yourself beneath their feet as they cook.
Sometimes Daddy gives me a treat after dinner, so it’s important to stay close by. The rest of my night is spent alternating between chasing cats, playing with Dragon, and napping. Eventually it’s time to get ready for bed, so I can do it all over again the next day.
Now you that know what it’s like to be a Colbert, I hope you can appreciate my struggles. I’m not one to complain, though; I just suffer in silence.