A Day in the Life of Colbert

Hello all, Colbert here. I’ve mentioned before how difficult it is to be a Colbert, so I thought I’d show you a typical day to give you a sense of how truly terrible my life is. Feel free to send sympathetic thoughts...and bacon.

Sometime in the Morning (I’m a dog, I can’t tell time):

All I want to do is stay curled up on my nice warm bed, but these slave drivers force me to go outside in the cold. At least they reward me for my troubles with a biscuit. It’s a little sub-standard, but I take what I can get.

After all that, they don’t even stay to play with me or anything. They leave me to go to “the gym,” whatever that means. I don’t know why they needed to wake me up only to leave me again. That’s just rude.

Just as I start to get comfortable and fall back asleep, they come back to disturb me! At least this time Mommy gives me my breakfast, which is lacking in flavor and variety. My distinguished palate is far superior than theirs and for some unknown reason, they think this rubbish that they feed me is adequate.

While Mommy and Daddy are Gone:

Sometimes Daddy forgets to shut the bedroom door before he leaves for work. Those are the best days because then I can sleep on the people bed. Normally they don’t allow me on the bed, but I like to go up there when they’re not paying attention. Usually, I spend a lot of my time herding those annoying cats as they run around like crazy. I feel it is my responsibility to referee their activities, since it can get a little out of hand. You would think that Mommy and Daddy would reward me for this good behavior, but noooo.

Forever Later:

Finally, after what may or may not be days later, my Mommy and Daddy return home to release me from this prison. They do grant me a little pleasure by taking me for a brief walk; however, even this is minimal and short lived. They hold me back on a leash, preventing me from running free. I am a prime athletic specimen, yet they refuse to let me perform to my full potential. I am a herding dog, after all.

After returning home from our walk, they feed me more of that terrible food for dinner as they selfishly prepare a delicious-smelling meal for themselves. If I’m lucky, they’ll accidentally drop some food on the floor, which I deftly swoop up before they realize their mistake. The key is to position yourself beneath their feet as they cook.

Sometimes Daddy gives me a treat after dinner, so it’s important to stay close by. The rest of my night is spent alternating between chasing cats, playing with Dragon, and napping. Eventually it’s time to get ready for bed, so I can do it all over again the next day.

Now you that know what it’s like to be a Colbert, I hope you can appreciate my struggles. I’m not one to complain, though; I just suffer in silence.

Kids These Days...

These kittens get away with everything and they have no respect for authority.  When I was a puppy, I wasn’t allowed on the furniture or the table or the counter, and I respected those rules.  Now, whenever my people tell the cats to get off the counter, they just sit there staring back at them defiantly.  If I did that, I would have been punished, no questions asked.  So not only do the cats not care, but the people don’t care either.  They let them behave badly with no consequences.

Since my mom and dad won’t discipline them, I have to be the one to teach them the hierarchy here.  It’s a slow process, due to their lack of accountability up until now, but we’re making positive strides.  They’re beginning to understand that morning biscuits are for Colberts only and not to be shared.  Also, if I say it’s mine, then it’s mine.  The kittens are starting to respect the boundaries I am establishing, but every once in awhile they relapse and I have to put them back in their place.

Now I just need my people to stop spoiling them, and all will be fine.

Snow Day!

It snowed!  Did you know that it snowed?!  Snow’s my favorite!  My mommy let me run around in the park across the street for awhile this morning, and there was more snow than I have ever seen in my entire life.  It was glorious!

After playing in the park, I helped my daddy clear off the cars. I had to supervise his work because he can’t be trusted to do a good job on his own. With my keen, watchful eye, he finished in a timely and efficient manner. He’s very lucky to have had me there to help him.

Now that my work is done, it’s time for a nap.  Happy Snow Day!

Cats Everywhere

Somehow we ended up with two cats and I was not consulted about this at all.  Clearly I would have opposed that decision.  They’re allowed to do all the things I’m not: sit on the couch, lie on the bed, beg for food, you name it.  Not only do my People completely spoil those annoying cats, they’re not happy with everything they’re given so they have to take my bed too.

I get them back, though, by stealing their toys instead.

It's a Conspiracy!

Say what you will, but the universe proves time and time again that it is out to get me.  My latest encounter with the universe’s strange fixation on making my simple Colbert life miserable involved a contest that I had my Mommy enter me in.  The task was to submit a photo for the cover photo on Dog Milk’s facebook page, the theme being “your dog’s best smile.”  Naturally, my mommy submitted this photo of me looking dashing as ever, and one would think after seeing this, they would end the contest right then and there.  No need to look any farther.

However, fate would not allow it to be so.  For some unfathomable reason, the people at Dog Milk did not select my beautiful face to grace their cover, instead resorting to this poor schmuck as their September Cover Canine.

As if that weren’t bad enough, they announced their top 11 picks, and I....I, Colbert, most beautiful of all the dogs, was not on that list.

There is no other explanation except that the Universe is determined to ruin my life.

Magic Portal

After taking some time off for personal reasons, I am returning to Colbert’s Corner.  The move was trying, given my aversion to change, but things are getting back to normal.  Ever since the weather got warmer, my people have been taunting me with the delicious smells of fire-cooked meats.  As you may recall, this evil torture on their part is nothing new, but at least last year I had the pleasure of joining them on the deck while they grilled.  This new apartment, however, contains some sort of magical portal from which I am barred.  My mommy and my daddy will enter this secret room, and after awhile, they emerge carrying a plate of food that I am not allowed to have.  

Nobody understands how hard my life is!

Editor’s note: In our new apartment, we share a backyard with our upstairs and downstairs neighbors.  Because both neighbors have young children, our landlord asked us to not let our dog in the backyard, which is just as well since it can get dirty back there.

Sad Panda

There is nothing more to say.

A Perfect Day

Maybe this move isn’t so bad after all.  Yesterday my people took me in the car to Eagle Rock Reservation, where they let me run around off-leash.  There were a lot of different paths in the woods, but I mostly ran ahead and then would have to come back and wait for my slow people, as they were intent on taking their sweet time.  Clearly they didn’t understand how much fun it was for me to run around, otherwise they would have made an effort to run too.

 
The weather was perfect for hiking: chilly and sunny.  My favorite kind of weather.  I heard my daddy saying that it was so muddy because the ground keeps freezing and thawing.  Normally I don’t like getting wet and dirty, but I made an exception yesterday.  It was refreshing to run through the leaves, splash through muddy puddles, and feel the crisp air blowing in my face.  I couldn’t have been happier!

 

Eventually they put me back on my leash and we walked to the lookout area.  My mommy kept saying how much she loved that spot because you could see all of New York from there.  I don’t know what she was talking about, I couldn’t see anything.

 

 

Finally we got back in the car, and my perfect day came to an end.  Part of me knew the horrors that awaited me at home, but I was so happy from the afternoon’s activities that I tried not to think about the inevitable bath.  If my people truly loved me, they would let me enjoy the rest of the day in filth.  No such luck.  Maybe next time.

Very Suspicious

I don’t know what’s going on, but my people appear to be conspiring against me.  All week they’ve been spending long periods of time sitting next to each other whispering and staring at me.  I don’t like it.  Last night, things really escalated.  My daddy piled lots of clothes up on the bed.  Usually he does this just before he goes on a trip, but this process lasted longer than it normally does, which seems to indicate that it will be a longer trip.  Also, suitcases filled the room and boxes suddenly appeared.  I haven’t seen boxes since we moved, that can’t be a good sign.

 

 

This morning, my daddy left at 6am, which is highly suspect after the events of last night.  So far he has not returned, but I will wait here until he does.